@西门大妈：武则天在遴选男宠这件事上是非常公开的，《旧唐书》直接记载的就是：
“天后令选美少年为左右奉宸供奉”
怎么 “供奉” 呢？你们自己脑补～
甚至大臣也劝谏她的方式也很… 特别～～右补阙朱敬则是这么对武则天说的：
“臣闻志不可满，乐不可极，嗜欲之情，愚智皆同，贤者能节之不使过度，则前圣格言也。” —— 没不让你睡，你节制点，要不对身体不好，显得你不贤明～
“陛下内宠已有薛怀义、张易之、昌宗，固应足矣。” —— 这几个还不够你睡？
“近闻尚舍奉御柳模自言子良宾洁白美须眉。左监门卫长史侯祥云阳道壮伟，过于薛怀义，专欲自进堪奉宸内供奉。”—— 有人说自己肤白貌美，器大活好，比薛怀义的大多了！要求竞争上岗！
总之就是，这有点过于… 影响不好了吧？陛下你就玩这几个吧，收着点吧～～
武则天倒是从善如流，还赏了朱敬则～
只有薛怀义受伤的世界诞生了～～
薛怀义：谁要跟我比来着？比啥？
@starrysnowrain: 控鹤监秘记
==《控鹤监秘记》（中英文对照版，转引自《子不语》）==
《控鹤监秘记二则 Two Secret Records from the Konghe Jian》
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《控鹤监秘记》唐人张垍所纂，京江相公曾孙张冠伯家有抄本数十页，皆载唐宫淫亵事，绝不类世所传《武后外传》。其略云：
The Konghe Jian Mi Ji was compiled by Zhang Ji, a man of the Tang dynasty. Zhang Guanbo, the great-grandson of Grand Secretary Jingjiang, had several dozen pages of handwritten copies in his possession; they all recorded lewd and indecent affairs from the Tang palace, and were completely unlike the Wu Hou Wai Zhuan (Extracanonical Biography of Empress Wu) that is commonly circulated. It briefly states:
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太后幸怀义数年，怀义骄恣不法，驰马南衙，为宰相苏良嗣批颊，后闻而衔之。一日置酒上阳宫，从容谓千金公主曰：「汝知朕左右无人乎，为此纡郁，奈何？」公主顿首曰：「臣欲奏天皇久矣，天皇不言，臣何敢先言。今陛下既知小宝之罪，臣窃以为天皇是何等圣佛，托身人间，广选男妃，自应择公卿旧家子弟姿禀秾粹者，置牀第间，足以游养圣情，捐除烦虑。何事幸彼市井无赖之徒，为嫪毒、昙献故事，被千秋万世拟秦、胡两后耶？」后曰：「微汝言，朕亦知之。近日宰相批怀义面，正欺其市井小人耳。若得公卿子通晓文墨者，南衙何敢辱之。」言毕叹。公主曰：「陛下勿叹。陛下知太宗时有凤阁侍郎张九成乎？其从子昌宗，年近弱冠，玉貌雪肤，眉目如画，其风采绝类巢刺王妃。」后默然，俯而未应。公主遽前跪起附耳语曰：「陛下毋过虑，儿兼知昌宗下体矣。儿于凝碧池置庄，春花盛时，驸马辄宴宾客，宴毕赐浴。浴时，儿于琉璃屏窥之，群臣无有佳于昌宗者。昌宗通体雪艳，无微痕半暇。瘦不露骨，丰不垂腴。其阴头丰根削，未起时，垂不甚长，浑脱类鹅卵。有洼棱高起五六分，鲜红柔润。」语未毕，太后色和，谩曰：「儿试耶？」公主曰：「儿非不涎之也，为后故不敢。然终不自信，故遣侍儿逼焉。」回顾侍者曰：「据实奏天皇，毋惭也。」侍者跪起附耳如公主状，奏曰：「奴初遇昌宗时，似南海鲜荔枝，入口光嫩异常，棱张如伞，三四提后，花蕊尽开，神魂飞矣。昌宗迟速，亦不自为主张，婉转随奴意，事毕后，红玉颓然，奴触之，体犹噤也。」太后大喜，指公主曰：「儿诚解人。朕每闻世俗女子但好壮健，不选温柔，此村妪淫耳。夫壮健迟久，可以药力为也，海外慎恤胶，朕宫中有石许，无所用之。男阴佳处，全在美满柔和。怀义老奴，筋胜于肉，徒事憨猛，当时虽惬，过后朕体觉违和。御医沈南璆肉差胜，然上下如一，头角蒙混，且皮弛，稍稍裹棱，非翘起不脱，故时觉不净。如卿所云，乃全才也。」公主出，即命侍者召昌宗，衣以轻绡雾縠之衣，冠以玉清云仙之巾，浴兰芳、含鸡舌入宫。后果大幸，薛、沈辈不复召矣。
Empress Dowager had favored Huaiyi for several years, but Huaiyi became arrogant and lawless. He once rode a horse through the southern court area, and was slapped in the face by Chancellor Su Liangsi. The empress heard about this and bore a grudge against him. One day, during a banquet at Shangyang Palace, she casually said to Princess Qianjin: "Do you know that there is no one I can trust on my side? This has been troubling me. What should I do?" Princess Qianjin kowtowed and said: "I have long wanted to report this matter to the Son of Heaven, but he has not spoken. How could I dare speak first?" "Now that Your Majesty is aware of Xiao Bao's crimes, I secretly believe the Son of Heaven to be a being of such holiness and divinity. Having taken on human form in this world, he has widely selected male consorts; naturally, he should choose sons from noble families with refined appearances and pure dispositions, placing them among his chambers so as to nurture His sacred emotions and relieve His burdens." "Why would he favor those base, lowly men from the streets and alleys, repeating the old tales of Lao Du and Tan Xian? Will history forever compare this to Empress Dowager Qin or Hu?" The empress said: "Even without your words, I also know this." "Recently, when Chancellor Su Liangsi slapped Huaiyi's face, it was precisely because he is a petty man from the streets and alleys." "If we had sons of high officials who were well-versed in literature, how would the southern court dare to insult them?" After saying this, she sighed. Princess Qianjin said: "Your Majesty need not sigh." "Do you know about Zhang Jiucheng, the Attendant-in-Ordinary of Fengge during Emperor Taizong's reign?" His nephew Zhang Changzong, who was nearly twenty years old, had jade-like features and snow-white skin. His eyebrows and eyes were as finely drawn as a painting; his charm resembled that of the Consort Wang of Chacai." The empress fell silent, bowing her head without responding. Princess Qianjin suddenly stepped forward, knelt up close to the empress's ear and whispered: "Your Majesty need not worry too much. I have personally examined Zhang Changzong's lower body." "I own a manor by the Ningbi Pool. During spring when flowers are in full bloom, my husband-in-law often hosts banquets for his guests; after each banquet, he grants them baths." "While they were bathing, I observed from behind a glass screen. Among the ministers, none was more handsome than Zhang Changzong." Zhang Changzong had snow-white and radiant skin all over his body, without a single blemish or flaw. He was neither too thin to show bones nor overly plump with sagging flesh. His genitalia were thick at the base and tapering, not very long when flaccid, smooth and round like a goose egg. "There was a slight ridge rising about half an inch high, bright red and soft." Before she finished speaking, the empress dowager's expression softened. She teased, "Are you testing me?" Princess Qianjin replied: "I am not without desire for him, but I dare not act because of Your Majesty." "Yet I still lacked confidence, so I sent a maid to approach and observe him closely." She turned back to the attendant and said: "Report the truth to the Son of Heaven. Do not feel ashamed." The attendant knelt and whispered to the empress in a manner similar to Princess Qianjin, reporting: "When I first met Zhang Changzong, he was like fresh lychees from the South China Sea. When taken into my mouth, his skin was exceptionally smooth and tender; his body swelled up like an umbrella. After three or four pulls, all the 'petals' opened, and it drove me to ecstasy." "Zhang Changzong was neither too slow nor too fast, and did not take the lead himself. He moved gently according to my will. After it was over, he lay there like a red jade statue, limp and exhausted. When I touched him, his body still trembled." Empress Dowager was greatly pleased. She pointed at Princess Qianjin and said: "You truly understand people's feelings." "I often heard that worldly women only prefer strong and robust men, not gentle ones. That is just the lust of village old hags." "Strength and endurance can be achieved through medicinal power. There is the 'Shenxu Jiao' (a type of aphrodisiac) from overseas, but I have plenty in my palace and do not need it." "The most desirable part of a man's body lies entirely in its fullness and softness." "Huaiyi, that old servant of mine, has more sinew than flesh. He is only strong and fierce. At the time it might have been pleasing, but afterward my body felt discomfort." Imperial physician Shen Nanqiu had slightly better flesh, but his body was uniform from top to bottom. His head and corners were indistinct, the skin loose, barely covering the ridges; it did not lift or separate cleanly, so at times I felt unclean." "As you have described, he is indeed a complete talent." After Princess Qianjin left, the empress immediately ordered her attendants to summon Zhang Changzong. He was dressed in light silk and gauze robes, adorned with a jade-clear cloud-patterned headscarf, then bathed in fragrant orchid water and entered the palace after chewing betel nut. Indeed, afterward she greatly favored Zhang Changzong; Xue and Shen were no longer summoned.
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当是时，后春秋高，学修养法，常含昌宗阴而睡。昌宗阴头丰肥，后口为之劳，终弗忍弃。后儿齿生，昌宗觉苦，乃荐易之。后口含易之，而以下体受昌宗，情尤酣艳。易之宠亚于昌宗，二人易班休沐。每归家，后遣人伺之，不许与妻交一语，上楼去梯。其母怜之，为置人壁间，方生国忠也。太后使昌宗骑木鹤，呼为子晋后身。又命修《三教珠英》，居控鹤监，与学士崔融、宋之问等酬唱。之问尤谄事二张，为持溺器，人笑之。之问曰：「卿知是何等溺乎？我为妇人，遇二张，亦不知何者为名节，况天后也。」后以龙锦千段赐公主，且曰：「朕闻古时公主多行不端，此选驸马者之罪也。自今以后，命画工写昌宗上下形体为式，如式者，方充驸马之选。庶几公主夫妻和乐，亦不虚生帝王家。」公主及侍儿、宫人皆叩头呼万岁。中宗、睿宗仿而行之。其时安乐公主虽骄奢，与武延秀恩好颇隆，无面首之侍，皆后力也。昌宗妻貌寝，后召入宫，封一品崇让夫人。常戏曰：「夫人何修，得嫁六郎耶！」时有「一世修貌，二世修阴」之谣。
At that time, the empress was of advanced age and had learned cultivation techniques; she often slept with Zhang Changzong's genitalia in her mouth. Zhang Changzong's genitals were full and plump, and the empress found it tiring to hold them in her mouth, yet she could never bring herself to stop. When the empress's teeth began to cause discomfort, Zhang Changzong felt it painful and thus recommended Yi Zhi. The empress held Yi Zhi in her mouth while receiving Zhang Changzong with her lower body, and the pleasure became even more intense. Yi Zhi's favor was second only to that of Zhang Changzongo; the two alternated in taking days off for rest and bathing. Whenever they returned home, the empress sent people to watch them, forbidding them from exchanging even a single word with their wives. They were made to go up to the upper floor and have the ladder removed. Their mother, feeling pity for them, arranged for a woman to be hidden in the wall, which is how Guo Zhong was born. Empress Dowager made Zhang Changzong ride a wooden crane and called him the reincarnation of Zi Jin. She also ordered the compilation of Sanjiao Zhuying (Pearls of the Three Teachings), and stationed him at Konghe Jian, where he exchanged poetry with scholars such as Cui Rong and Song Zhiwen. Song Zhiwen was especially fawning toward the two Zhangs, even holding a chamber pot for them; people laughed at him. Song Zhiwen said: "Do you know what kind of urine this is?" "If I were a woman and encountered the two Zhangs, I would not know which one to call virtue or propriety. How much less so for Heaven's Empress." The empress gave Princess Qianjin a thousand bolts of dragon-patterned brocade and said: "I have heard that in ancient times, many princesses behaved improperly. This is the fault of those who selected their husbands." "From now on, I shall order painters to depict Zhang Changzong's entire body as a model. Only those who match this standard will be eligible for selection as imperial sons-in-law." "Only then can the princess and her husband live in harmony, and their marriage would not be a waste of being born into an imperial family." Princess Qianjin, along with the attendants and palace ladies, all kowtowed and cried out "Ten thousand years!" Emperor Zhongzong and Emperor Ruizong followed this example. At that time, although Princess Anle was proud and extravagant, she had a strong affection with Wu Yanyou. She did not have male attendants; this was all due to the empress's influence. Zhang Changzong's wife had an unremarkable appearance, so the empress summoned her into the palace and bestowed upon her the title of Yipin Chongrang Fu Ren (First-Rank Lady Chongrang). She often joked, "What good deeds have you done, dear lady, to marry the sixth son!" At that time there was a folksong: "One life cultivating beauty, two lives cultivating male endowments."
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亡何，五王起兵，入宫诛二张。横尸未收，百姓怨之，脔割肢体为糜碎。宫人婉儿揣后意，于残骸中收得茎头半段，红润如生，手持献后。后泣曰：「是六郎也，契苾儿不能如是。」选第一府白玉盒盛之，曰：「朕万年后，以此为殉。」
Not long after, the Five Kings raised an army and entered the palace to execute the two Zhangs. Before their corpses were removed, the common people vented their anger by cutting up their bodies into minced pieces. The palace lady Wan'er, sensing the empress's intent, retrieved a half piece of Zhang Changzong's genitalia from among the remains; it was still red and moist as if alive. She held it in her hand and presented it to the empress. The empress wept and said: "This is my sixth son; even Qibibi's son could not compare to him." She selected a first-class white jade casket to hold it and said: "After my death, I will have this buried with me."
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上官婉儿以祖仪得罪，没入掖廷，容貌瑰丽，兼工词翰，天后爱之，使侍侧治笔砚。后幸昌宗，不避婉儿。婉儿性黠，媚昌宗而远之，后尤喜。然昌宗每溲，婉儿顾盼，不能无情。
Shangguan Wan'er was punished for her grandfather's offenses and entered the掖廷 (Yeting, a palace department). She had a striking appearance and was also skilled in writing. Empress Dowager Wu loved her and made her serve at her side managing brushes and inkstones. The empress favored Zhang Changzong without avoiding Shangguan Wan'er's presence. Wan'er was clever by nature; she flattered Zhang Changzongo but kept her distance from him, which the empress especially liked. Yet whenever Zhang Changzong urinated, Wan'er would glance at it with longing eyes and could not help but feel some emotion.
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天后命将作大匠于峡石为昌宗造园，屋舍皆黄金途，白玉为阶。后爇奇香，拥真珠帐，幸昌宗。昌宗醉眠，阴软，后与为戏，拉茎上皮覆阴头，头棱高，皮格格不上，俄而挺然，根虽弩健，而头肉肥厚，如绵球成团，色若芙蓉，捻之类无精管者。后叹曰：「使人之意也消。」婉儿心动，裙下皆湿，不觉手近昌宗。后大怒，取金刀插其髻，曰：「汝敢近禁脔，罪当死！」六郎为哀求，始免。然额有伤痕，故于宫中常戴花钿也。
Empress Dowager ordered the chief architect to build a garden for Zhang Changzongo in Xiashi. All the houses and buildings were coated with gold, and white jade was used as steps. The empress burned rare incense, wrapped herself in a pearl-draped canopy bed, and enjoyed the company of Zhang Changzongo. When Zhang Changzongo was drunk and asleep, his genitalia softened. The empress played with him, pulling the foreskin over the head of his penis. However, due to its high ridge, the skin could not smoothly cover it. Soon after, he became erect again; though the base was strong and firm, the glans was thick and fleshy like a ball of cotton, red as lotus blossoms. When touched, it felt similar to someone without a urethral opening. The empress sighed and said: "This makes one's desire vanish." Wan'er felt her heart stir, her undergarments became damp, and without realizing it, she brought her hand close to Zhang Changzongo. The empress became furious, took a golden knife and stabbed it into Wan'er's hairpin, saying: "How dare you approach the forbidden flesh? You deserve to die!" After Zhang Changzongo pleaded for mercy, she finally spared her. However, Wan'er had a scar on her forehead and thus always wore floral hairpins in the palace to conceal it.
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吏部侍郎崔湜，以才貌年少，私侍婉儿。婉儿有外舍，极亭台之胜，招与宣淫。先通武三思，后通湜。湜问：「庐陵王、三思何如？」曰：「庐陵王棱角混，韦皇后笑其食哀家梨，不削皮，何能知味？三思故自佳，然亦嫌肉薄耳。」问：「两后选男何法？」曰：「阴虽巨，以皮筋胜者不选。」问：「何故？」曰：「人之一身，舌无皮，故知味；踵皮厚，故履地。女阴纤膜，微蒙天生，男子之阴，亦去皮留膜，取极嫩处与之作合，又与棱角，使之扪摩，幼而蕊含，长而茄脱，以柔抵柔，故有氤氲化醇之乐。否则，拖皮带秽，进退麻漠，如隔一重甲矣。天后幸男子毕，不许阴头离宫，冯小宝虽壮盛，头锐易离；六郎棱肥脑满，如鲜菌灵芝，虽宣泄，而阴头犹能填塞满宫，久而不脱，故欢爱之情，有馀不尽。六郎侍寝，后虽衰，仙液犹透重衾也。」湜曰：「如昭容言，天下优劣，岂独男子然耶！湜少忝官阶，为女子所悦，所遇岂无粲者。然下体亦正难言，往往有交无媾，木木然如瞽人投井，不知何往。尔时徒惫精神，少回味，道天下女子皆然。自蒙昭容恩接后，方知西子、毛嫱所以专宠六宫者，必别有胜人处。昭容花心秾粹，湜一交接，觉阴头触嫩处，如醍醐灌顶，毛发皆苏。手按昭容后窍，翕翕然跃，便知将宣泄，不敢摇身。俟谷道跃定后，再候意旨，故常得昭容欢。湜亦蒙昭容湛露之恩，深含细吐，山泽气交，次日上朝，不觉疲惫。想世间男子喜干，女子好久，皆如乞丐，食猪脂三斗，便道穷奢极欲，真初世人耳。」昭容笑曰：「卿言大快。然知音甚难，大抵男女交接，如匙之配锁，各有所宜，闻刘妃阴有横骨，非尖劲者不能入宫。卿阴头柔嫩，若遇之，不大苦卿耶！天后云：『肉重则进佳，棱高则退佳。』真解人语。」方昵语间，安乐公主拥驸马武延秀至，颇有所闻。公主褫驸马裤，手其阴夸曰：「此何如崔郎耶？」昭容曰：「直似六郎，何止崔郎！此皆天后选婿之功，不可忘也。」是夕酣饮，观拔河之戏。次日为中宗生辰，至午始朝贺。
Cui Shi, an Attendant-in-Ordinary at the Ministry of Personnel, because of his talent, good looks and youth, secretly served Shangguan Waner. Wan'er had an outside residence with beautiful pavilions and terraces where she invited him for secret sexual encounters. She first had relations with Wu Sansi, then later with Cui Shi. Cui Shi asked: "Which is better, Prince Luling or Wu Sansi?" She replied: "Prince Luling has no distinct features. Empress Wei once laughed at him for eating my pear without peeling it; how could he know the taste?" "Wu Sansi is indeed good, but I still find his flesh too thin." Cui Shi asked: "What method did the two empresses use to select their male consorts?" She said: "Even if a man's genitalia are large, those with overly tight or elastic skin are not chosen." Cui Shi asked: "Why is that?" She said: "In the human body, the tongue has no skin, which is why it can taste; the soles of the feet have thick skin, hence they can walk on the ground." "A woman's vulva is covered with a thin membrane, naturally slightly veiled. A man's genitalia should also have the skin removed to leave only the tender membrane for union; it must be matched in texture and ridges so that they can caress each other. When young, like a bud containing its secret, when mature, like an eggplant shedding its husk—soft meeting soft—thus creating the pleasure of blending into pure essence." Otherwise, dragging skin and filth along, moving in and out with numbness and emptiness—it feels like a barrier of armor between them. After the empress had finished her pleasure with a man, she did not allow his glans to leave her body. Feng Xiaobao was strong and vigorous, but his head was sharp and easily slipped out; Zhang Changzongo's glans, however, was plump and full like fresh mushrooms or lingzhi fungus. Even after ejaculation, it could still fill the empress completely, remaining in place for a long time without slipping away. Thus, her feelings of joy and love were abundant and never fully spent. "While sleeping with the sixth son, even though I am old, my divine nectar still seeps through multiple layers of quilts." Cui Shi said: "As the Lady of Grace says, is it not true that in all things under heaven, good and bad qualities exist—not just among men!" "I was young and held a low official rank, yet I was loved by women. How could my encounters lack those of great charm?" "Yet it is also difficult to speak about one's lower body. Often, there was contact without true union—like a blind man throwing something into a well, not knowing where it goes." "At that time I only exhausted my spirit and energy with little satisfaction. I wrongly believed all women in the world were like this." "Since receiving Lady of Grace's favor, I have come to understand why Xi Shi and Mao Dun were so favored in the six palaces—they must possess something truly extraordinary." "Lady of Grace has a lush and pure heart. When Cui Shi made contact, he felt the glans touching her tender spot like tianhu (a sacred nectar) poured over his head, awakening every hair on his body." He placed his hand on the Lady of Grace's rear passage and felt it pulsing, knowing she was about to climax. He dared not move a muscle. He waited until the rectum's pulsations subsided before acting again, following her cues carefully—thus he often won Lady of Grace's pleasure. Cui Shi also received the deep and nourishing grace of Lady of Grace. She took him in slowly, savoring each moment; their energies blended like mountain and lake. The next day when he went to court, he felt no fatigue at all. "Thinking about it, men in the world who like dryness and women who crave duration are all like beggars. After eating three dou of lard, they claim to have experienced ultimate luxury—truly people from ancient times!" Lady of Grace smiled and said: "Your words are most refreshing." "Yet it is very difficult to find a true soulmate. Generally, when men and women unite, it's like matching a key to its lock—each has their own fit. I've heard that Lady Liu has a horizontal bone in her vagina; only those with a sharp and strong member can enter." "Your glans is soft and tender. If you encounter such a woman, won't it greatly trouble you!" The Empress said: "When the flesh is heavy, advancing is good; when the ridge is high, retreating is better." "Truly wise words." Just as they were speaking intimately, Princess Anle brought her husband Bao Yanshou to the room and overheard quite a bit. The princess stripped off her husband's pants, held his penis in her hand, and boasted: "How does this compare to Cui Lang?" Lady of Grace said: "It is like Liu Lang's member—how could it be merely comparable to Cui Lang!" "This is all due to the Empress' skill in choosing husbands; we must not forget that." That night they drank heartily and watched a tug-of-war contest. The next day was Emperor Zhongzong's birthday, and court congratulations did not begin until noon.
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当是时，湜虽通昭容，附三思，而心知韦氏必亡，故阴附临淄王。王起兵诛韦后，婉儿持灯来迎，亦斩于纛下。湜为同平章事，竟不能救。侍郎张说使子均收昭容尸，厚葬之，兼表请复昭容号，编序其文集，人莫不多说而恶湜也。
At that time, although Cui Shi had relations with Lady of Grace and was allied with San Si, he knew in his heart the Wei family would surely fall. Therefore, he secretly supported Prince Linzhi. When the prince raised an army to kill Empress Wei, Wan'er came holding a lamp to welcome him but was also beheaded beneath his banner. Cui Shi held the position of Tongping Zhangshi, yet could not save her after all. The assistant minister Zhang Yue ordered his son Jun to collect Lady of Grace's body and give her a grand burial. He also submitted a memorial requesting the restoration of her title, compiling an order for her literary works. People mostly praised Zhang Yue but despised Cui Shi. *
